Rescuing Your Most Important Relationships

Posts tagged ‘trust’

Book of the Month

“The Speed Of Trust – The One Thing That Changes Everything

by Stephen M. R. Covey, Stephen R Covey and Rebecca R Merrill

Trust is so integral to our relationships that we often take it for granted, yet in an era marked by business scandals and a desire for accountability this book by leadership expert Covey is a welcome guide to nurturing trust in our professional and personal lives. Drawing on anecdotes and business cases from his years as CEO of the Covey Leadership Center the author effectively reminds us that there’s plenty of room for improvement on this virtue. Covey outlines 13 behaviors of trust-inspiring leaders, such as demonstrating respect, creating transparency, righting wrongs, delivering results and practicing accountability. Covey’s down-to-earth approach and disarming personal stories go a long way to establish rapport with his reader. Covey’s writings are an integral element to both personal and professional relationships. A must read for the new year.

Spring into Action

There’s a spring in Katie’s step, and she simply radiates positive, upbeat, can-do energy. She’s “in the flow.” Good things continue to happen in her work and personal life with seeming effortlessness.

Contrast this with Courtney, who puts in twice as many hours at work-super-long, hard hours every day-yet rarely achieves what she’s striving so hard to create.

What’s the difference? Hint: It has to do with Katie’s ability to attract what she wants. However, this kind of attraction has nothing to do with looks.

Rather, it’s about Katie’s ability to attract abundance by living in a way that’s in tune with her purpose, her passions, her most vital and alive self.

The law of attraction. It’s not just some woo-woo theory, it’s scientific: like matter attracts like. It’s similar to a radio broadcast: when tuned into a particular station, you will only hear (attract) the frequency of radio waves that match that station’s signal. And when that happens, everything seems easy, not a struggle.

“Once you change the way you are inside, the outer world changes,” writes Joe Vitale, author of the The Attractor Factor.

Vitale is one of dozens of authors who write persuasively on the subject, including Jack Canfield, Esther and Jerry Hicks and Michael Losier.

·  Get clear on what you want and why. It’s not enough to know what you don’t want. You can’t get what you want until you know what that is! Getting crystal clear is where the “magic” of attraction all begins.

·  Imagine it. See it as happening. “Conscious change is brought about by the two qualities inherent in consciousness: attention and intention,” writes Deepak Chopra. “Attention energizes, and intention transforms. Whatever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life.”

·  Keep yourself receptive. Exercise, eat healthily, play, relax. Stress, exhaustion, sluggishness, etc., can all interfere with attraction. In the radio station analogy, they become the “static” that interfere with the “frequencies” of that which you want to attract. Though taking a day off to relax rather than working frantically may seem as difficult as stepping off a precipice, it can be just what is needed.

·  Listen to your intuitive nudges. Attraction isn’t about sitting back and waiting for it all to come to you. Action is always required to meet goals and make dreams come true. Vitale writes: “Your job is to ask for what you want, and then to act on the inner nudges you get to do things, like make phone calls, write letters, visit a certain person, or whatever.” Don’t worry if your “nudges” don’t make immediate sense. The “why” will reveal itself later.

·  Surrender control. This means to let go and trust. Let go of the particular way in which things will happen. Let go of fear, doubt, worry and disappointment. Let go of the notion of struggle. Trust that the outcome will be just right.

So whether it’s a job promotion, landing that huge client or buying a new house, claim your dream. It’s yours if you want it.

If All Else Fails. . .

Let’s look at things a little differently. Despite what you think, or what you wish – you can’t “own” another person. Even a married person is free to make his or her own choices. You can’t make them do anything that they do not want to do.

The only place you can look for trust is within yourself. You need to see things from a different perspective – that YOU are in control only of YOU – nobody else. Taking responsibility for oneself is the highest way to live. Trying to make others do that for you is the lowest. You deserve better than this.

Don’t place your well being in someone else’s hands. What if they don’t live up to it? Instead, come to the realization that you are worthy of your partner’s fidelity, and expect them to abide by it. If they don’t get it, you’ll understand that you’ve simply made a mistake in your belief of who they are, and you can move on to find someone that DOES mean it, with your head high, and your self-esteem intact.

Degrees of Trust

Let me ask you this – do you “trust” your partner to pick up something from the store that they said they would? Do you “trust” them to pick you up when promised? Do you “trust” them to not steal your money, and to not burn your house down? My point is this: trust is a matter of degree. How can you learn to trust again? The fact is, you already do.

Both partners have a responsibility in restoring trust in a relationship. The person who broke the trust, needs to genuinely do all they can to restore that trust. The other person needs to recognize that effort and ultimately forgive the other for past mistakes. You can’t hold a mistake over someone’s head forever, especially if they are doing all they can to make things better. That will only lead to bitterness for both of you.

Trust – The Last Word

In this blog we have been examining the issue of trust in relationships for the last two months. How does someone prove themselves to their partner when they have broken the trust?

You can’t expect your relationship to recover from trust issues in one day. Even if you are lucky and your partner agrees to forgive you, it does not mean that you won’t have to continue to prove yourself. This process could even take years, but it all starts with the little things.

You can begin to build confidence from your partner by simply doing all the things you say you will. Showing up on time and following through on tasks may seem simple, but living up to even the smallest expectations will reflect well upon your intentions to save your relationship. Persistence and honesty – the two most important words in rebuilding trust. Reaffirm the commitment to the relationship by talking about shared goals and interests.

Continue watching for next week’s blog on part 3 of 3 in the “Trusting in Relationships” series.

Rebuilding our Sense of Trust

Becoming mistrustful of everyone around us is harmful- it limits the strength and number of our social connections and may leave us isolated from the rest of  the world. It is critical to learn how to rebuild trust, even if you feel like your relationship has been destroyed. Trust is not just essential to relationships; it is the cornerstone of a happy, healthy life.

As a couple’s therapist, I have observed that the most important predictor  of rebuilding trust in a relationship is the ability for both partners to take responsibility for what happened. This can be incredibly difficult if you are the betrayed partner. But it is a crucial step to saving the relationship- and laying the groundwork for reducing the probability  of a repeat event.

After establishing mutual responsibility, the next step is to regain a sense of control. This is based on the idea that we are not victims; at the whim of our partner’s actions or of our own mistakes. We DO have control over our actions and thoughts, and can make decisions to improve our relationships. Whatever action you take, it is important to heal the wounds of the past.

Trust in Relationships

It is a devastating event to discover a partner’s betrayal, it strikes at the heart of many aspects of our identity. The betrayed partner may doubt their own attractiveness or their ability to judge people, and can raise questions about the fundamental goodness of the world.

Our relationships are built upon the idea that we can trust those who we care about the most to behave in a consistent, reliable manner. When this belief is shattered, our emotions and common sense dissolve and reframe our reality. It feels like all that we have trusted in may not be as it appears. How do we navigate through this difficult time? Read on for more.

This is part 2 of 3 in the “Trusting in Relationships” series.

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