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Here are some suggestions to help you put out the fire, reconnect with your primary partner- and still bring home the bacon.
1. Remember that with work and other commitments, the time one spends with one’s primary partner is extremely limited. When you are at work, on the commute, or while traveling on business, spend this “down time” on your primary relationship. Pick up the phone or write a letter or e-mail to your significant other or journal about your significant other.
2. Ask yourself “why?” to the question of forming a bond outside of your primary relationship. What is the purpose of this relationship, and what are both of you getting out of it?
3.You can’t split your attention. You have to be very careful how you treat people of the opposite sex because no one intends to do anything, and it always “just happens.” When you focus your attention on your spouse you are so busy with your spouse you don’t have the inclination to give anyone of the opposite sex the time to worm their way into your life – in the place where your spouse should be.
Remember, You have to put a lot of energy into creating the relationship that you want. And both of you have to participate.
It has been suggested that politicians, CEO’s and other highly driven individuals are in a sense wired for marriage mischief through personalities built for risk-taking and dealing with uncertainty.
Whether your personality leads you in the wrong direction, your marriage is or will be under attack at some time. Is there anything you can do to prevent (or repel) such attacks?
The answer is yes. Dr. Dave Carder recently spoke at the international Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Fla. During his presentation, he talked about “Close Call Friendships.”
He believes that infatuation – sudden unreasonable emotion attraction to someone or something else – is more powerful than it is given credit. People don’t think in their right mind when they are infatuated with something. Any relationship with potential for quick chemistry is dangerous.
It’s OK to be friends with people of the opposite sex who are not your spouse, but you need to have STRONG BOUNDARIES.
Read on for more tips on how to prevent a fire in your work area or away from home.
The roots of trust are built in our childhood, where we learn to receive consistent, predictable care from our parents. Trust is built on order and predictability, which makes it even more psychologically traumatizing when that trust is broken. Studies have shown that psychological traumas (like discovering an affair) can have an effect on brain functioning long after the event has happened. One of these common changes is the development of hyper-vigilance to prevent further assaults. Being hyper-vigilant is a survivor perspective, it protects us from harm.
These behaviors are commonly acted out by the partner who has been betrayed, by being looking for and being ultra aware of any change in behavior or pattern from their partner. Unfortunately, being hyper-vigilant is non-discriminating. This puts us in a position to mistrust everyone around us- other family members, co-workers, spiritual leaders. This is harmful to our social connections- how can we prevent ourselves from mistrusting everyone around us after a betrayal?