Rescuing Your Most Important Relationships

Posts tagged ‘Emotional Maturity’

Wise Words From My Morther-In-Law

n-HAPPY-MIDDLE-AGED-COUPLE-large570Is advice from a 60 year relationship worth listening to? I think so! My in-laws have just celebrated their 60 year anniversary, and recently my mother-in-law had some words of wisdom that she shared with me. One of her grandchildren had asked her “how can you tell when you are in love”, and  this is what she said.

“How do you tell when you’re in love? I had to stop and think. My mind came up with several words- all that begin with the letter P.

Privacy– way up there as a priority, it lets a person feel free and be himself.

Passion– way up there too, what’s the fun without it?

Politeness, Persistence, and Patience

Politeness– way up there, treat the one you love as politely as you would a stranger. Other basics- bite your tongue, don’t put words in the air you’ll have to apologize for later, and perhaps, most of all,  a wanting more to be with someone than not to be with someone.”

“A person needs to fall in love over and over again- how nice if it’s with the same person each time!

People change and I believe about every five years you recognize, hey, is he (she) different now? Then it’s time  to take inventory of yourself and your life, and for me, to remember back to how loving someone all started and finding if the spark is still there? For me, the answer keeps being Yes, and I find myself really falling in love again. That’s what makes life fun- with the new person that I’m living with.”

My father-in-law also put in his two cents at our wedding. He was asked by the DJ what he thought the best relationship advice was- and his answer? Just one word- “Trust”.

Personally, I don’t have the experience and wisdom of 60 years behind me, but I have seen quite a few couples over the years in the practice. It’s very true= the couples that do well with improving their relationships are patient and kind to each other, and willing to see each other from a new perspective, even through some really difficult times. Couples that treat each other with disrespect and disdain are destined for divorce. (I know, a lot of “D words” but it’s true.) Fondness and admiration can go a long way in helping to solve problems, generate resolutions and create intimacy.

So, take these words of wisdom from a successful, long term relationship to heart. And to my mother-in-law:

Thank you, Phyl, for the sage words and wisdom from the heart. I truly appreciate you being a marriage mentor in my life. 


We Are All Guilty Continued. . .

yes no1. Know your values – First and foremost. You need to know what’s important to you in life, what you truly value, and what you’re ultimately aiming for. Once you know who you really are and what matters to you, what other people think of you become significantly less important. When you know your values, you’ll have something to stand up for something you believe in. You’ll stop saying yes to everything.

2. Put yourself out there – Now that you know what your values are, it’s time to put yourself out there. This can be done several ways. Here are a few suggestions:

  • Blogging
  • Wearing a polka dot sweater
  • Public Speaking
  • Flirting/Asking someone out

Keep in mind that when you’re doing any of these activities, you have to speak your mind. Be honest with yourself and what you share, because the world doesn’t need another conflict avoider who does what everyone else does.

3. Surround yourself with pros – Surround yourself with people who are self-assured, and live life without comprising their core values. These people will rub off on you quickly.

4. Create a “Growth List” – A Growth List is comprised of all the things in life that makes you uncomfortable. These are fears, insecurities anything that gives you the jitters. Here’s how it works.
You start by writing all the things that make you feel uncomfortable.
Then one by one, you do them. Once you complete the task, you move on to the next. Repeat. This exercise does wonders.  You can read all the books in the world about being confident or getting over your fears, but if you don’t take action, you’re just someone who’s read how to ride a bicycle without ever having ridden one.

Source: Sean Kim in Life Hacking

March Message

Hello Friends!

People Pleasers- that’s what this month’s message is all about. Aren’t we all people pleasers to some degree? Of course, some of that is good, relationships can thrive on two partners that are trying to please each other. But balance is the key- too much pleasing and we can start to feel resentful, overwhelmed and angry. If this sounds like you, then you will enjoy the musings on how to put your people pleasing personality to work for you, and not against you- (I especially like the idea of a “Growth List”).

Check back next week for how to put balance in your life!

App of the month

Mindulfness MeditationSince we are in the technology based world…we have added a new feature to our newsletter. Click here to download this app.

Always making excuses for not meditating? This is simply the best way to learn and enjoy mindfulness meditation – and it’s always in your pocket for short breaks, trips, and outdoor practice!

Mindfulness-based technique for stress-reduction with scientifically proven health benefits. Guided mindfulness meditations written and narrated by Stephan Bodian, author of the Meditation For Dummies®.


The bestselling mindfulness app on iTunes.

– Includes 5, 10, 15, 20, 30, and 40-minute guided mindfulness meditations

– Audio guide to meditation

– Checklist for optimal meditation practice

– 10-minute deep relaxation exercise to prepare for meditation or to unwind at the end of a stressful day

– Mindfulness-based technique for stress-reduction

– Scientifically proven health benefits when you meditate consistently

– No previous experience with meditation required

– Written and spoken by the author of Meditation For Dummies



“Biggest loser” is the big winner in love

Can a reality dating show lose out to a weight loss competition in finding true love? It’s now widely known that in the 13 seasons of The “Biggest Loser”, more couples have met, fallen in love and gotten married than in the 23 seasons of “The Bachelorette” and “The Bachelor” combined. Here we have two reality shows completely dedicated to the perfect matching of “soul mates”, through an extensive selection and matching process- and that has failed dismally in creating couples that have any longevity. Contrast that to a group of overweight people who are trying to change their lives, and end up not only successful in losing weight, but also meet their romantic partner in the process.  The “Biggest Loser” currently has 5 couples that have met, become romantically involved and married as a result of being on the show together.

The real question is, how and why do people fall in love to begin with? If you look at one classic definition of love, Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as “affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests”.  I’d like to add respect and likability to that equation- for long term attraction and love to take hold, mutual respect and simply liking who your partner is as a person is crucial. So, let’s take a look at why “The Biggest Loser” would be a natural environment to create lasting love.

Watch for next weeks post for the reason why “The Biggest Loser” would be a environment for lasting love…..

Dealing With Change

Changing World

The world seems to be changing at an extraordinary pace. We get used to the way that things are, and then they shift. That change can be very unsettling, and even a positive change can throw us for a loop. When we are nudged out of our current routine, or challenged with our understanding of how the world works, we experience feelings of fear, anxiety and stress. These feelings in turn can turn into actions and behaviors that don’t serve us very well, and make it even harder to deal with whatever changes are occurring. So, approach dealing with change as a process. Dealing with change is not like a light switch that is either on or off. It is like making a meal, with many steps and ingredients. And just like creating a mouth-watering dinner, dealing with change takes time.

Start by reframing the way you think about change. Choose to give positive meaning to life changes. Even if you’ve never moved your furniture around, or you still have the same hair style you did in college, you can thrive on change.

Read next weeks post for tips on how to deal with change.

Flying Solo

Flying soloResolutions/Goals are also for those whose relationships are in trouble- if you are flying solo (or just feel like you are) here are some of my favorites for the New Year, courtesy of Michelle Weiner Davis.


1.Envision positive outcomes –There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change in your marriage if you don’t believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur – Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn’t deserve it – You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse’s choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

 4. Focus on small, positive changes – Don’t expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what – You cannot control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children, if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to make this a good year regardless of your spouse’s choices.

6. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame – What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it’s how rapidly you get back on track. If you’ve veered from the plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.


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