Rescuing Your Most Important Relationships

Posts tagged ‘communicating with your partner’

Wise Words From My Morther-In-Law

n-HAPPY-MIDDLE-AGED-COUPLE-large570Is advice from a 60 year relationship worth listening to? I think so! My in-laws have just celebrated their 60 year anniversary, and recently my mother-in-law had some words of wisdom that she shared with me. One of her grandchildren had asked her “how can you tell when you are in love”, and  this is what she said.

“How do you tell when you’re in love? I had to stop and think. My mind came up with several words- all that begin with the letter P.

Privacy– way up there as a priority, it lets a person feel free and be himself.

Passion– way up there too, what’s the fun without it?

Politeness, Persistence, and Patience

Politeness– way up there, treat the one you love as politely as you would a stranger. Other basics- bite your tongue, don’t put words in the air you’ll have to apologize for later, and perhaps, most of all,  a wanting more to be with someone than not to be with someone.”

“A person needs to fall in love over and over again- how nice if it’s with the same person each time!

People change and I believe about every five years you recognize, hey, is he (she) different now? Then it’s time  to take inventory of yourself and your life, and for me, to remember back to how loving someone all started and finding if the spark is still there? For me, the answer keeps being Yes, and I find myself really falling in love again. That’s what makes life fun- with the new person that I’m living with.”

My father-in-law also put in his two cents at our wedding. He was asked by the DJ what he thought the best relationship advice was- and his answer? Just one word- “Trust”.

Personally, I don’t have the experience and wisdom of 60 years behind me, but I have seen quite a few couples over the years in the practice. It’s very true= the couples that do well with improving their relationships are patient and kind to each other, and willing to see each other from a new perspective, even through some really difficult times. Couples that treat each other with disrespect and disdain are destined for divorce. (I know, a lot of “D words” but it’s true.) Fondness and admiration can go a long way in helping to solve problems, generate resolutions and create intimacy.

So, take these words of wisdom from a successful, long term relationship to heart. And to my mother-in-law:

Thank you, Phyl, for the sage words and wisdom from the heart. I truly appreciate you being a marriage mentor in my life. 


I hate therapy

Therapists“I hate therapy- it’s only for sick people, and I’m not sick!”” is what many people say when first thinking about coming in. So, why go to therapy? The Huffington Post recently published an article titled “8 Signs You Should See a Therapist.” Huff Po (the specific author isn’t clear) points out that “while one in five American adults suffer from some form of mental illness, only about 46-65 percent with moderate-to-severe impairment are in treatment.” They noted that some problems that don’t qualify as severe mental illness can benefit from treatment and illuminated the symptoms that may warrant psychotherapy:

  • Everything you feel is intense
  • You’ve suffered a trauma and you can’t stop thinking about it
  • You have unexplained and recurrent headaches, stomach-aches or a run down immune system
  • You’re using a substance to cope
  • You’re getting bad feedback at work
  • You feel disconnected from previously beloved activities
  • Your relationships are strained
  • Your friends have told you they’re concerned

If you’re experiencing anything on that list, therapy may be a good choice for you.

However, the author goes on to explain that he doesn’t fully agree with this post:

We generally don’t end up doing things we “should” do; we do things we want to. Consult anyone who ever made a New Year’s Resolution for an example. You’ll have a better experience in therapy (and probably better results) if you go because you want to learn, grow, and heal, not because someone else thinks you should.

Another reason therapy is important is that therapy is effective for helping painful experiences become tolerable, and a proven method for changing harmful thinking, relational, and behavioral patterns. But it’s also used to make good lives great.

For comparison, look at two ways you manage your physical health: a visit to your MD versus working out at the gym. You go to a physician to treat a medical problem: You feel symptoms and seek treatment to return to your “normal” state. By contrast, you go to the gym to get healthy, achieve a higher physical potential, and generally make a good life better. Two different approaches to health, one focused on illness and the other wellness. Therapy is unique in that it acts as the psychological equivalent of both the MD and the gym. We go to therapy to treat problems as well as improve an already decent life.

Read next weeks post to find out more about why therapy is a good thing!
(Source: Ryan Howes, PhD)

Book of The Month

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference  

 “Where does ‘highly happy’ come from-and can we have some too?!”

Have you ever looked at a blissfully married couple and thought, I wish I could know their secret? Now you can. After years of investigative research, Shaunti reveals twelve powerful habits that the happiest marriages have in common.

Best news of all? Anyone can learn the secrets of a highly happy marriage!

In The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shaunti Feldhahn shares her findings about little, very unexpected, often overlooked actions that make a huge difference. You’re about to discover that highly happy couples:
* Go to bed mad
* Keep score (just not in the way you think)
* Boss their feelings around
* Have factual fantasies
* Get in over their heads
* Don’t tell it like it is
* Don’t look to marriage to make them happy…

Packed with eye-opening research and practical helps, this book delivers relationship insights that will take your marriage from “just fine” to “just the marriage we’ve always wanted.”

Book of The Month

The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time

Happy CouplesBad habits: we all have them! But what happens when these bad habits extend to our relationships? Whether it’s interrupting your partner mid-sentence, acting bored when they are speaking, or teasing them in hurtful ways-over time these bad habits can lead to resentment, and can mean the difference between a wonderful, close relationship, and one characterized by conflict or unhappiness. Fortunately, for all of us, good relationship habits can be learned (or re-learned), and bad habits can be un-learned.

Named one of “America’s Top Therapists” by Cosmopolitan magazine, prominent Los Angeles-based psychologist and radio talk show host Barton Goldsmith, PhD, offers readers simple, accessible tips and tools for developing and strengthening positive relationship habits such as gratitude, humor, togetherness, and honesty.

Habits can be hard to break, but if you love someone, you’ve got to make sacrifices. When you consider that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, it becomes clear that many of us may need help in making a relationship thrive. The Happy Couple shows how simple acts of kindness and generosity can increase the likelihood of a relationship being happy, healthy, and long-lasting.


Cutting The Cord Continued. . .

Now…what do you do to cut these negative attachments with people who are draining your life force?

  • Make peace with any anger, conflict and resentment you have toward whoever in the present (or the past) has been a negative drain on your life. In doing so, realize that no one can take your energy without you allowing that to happen.
  • Some people suggest taking frequent baths to energetically  “cleanse” yourself.Tub  The feng shui behind the bath habit is that you will amp up your water element.  Water is the element of fresh starts, of emotional richness and revived motion.
  • I read about and tried this exercise and it is very cool: Visualize yourself on a bridge and the person who you need to but the negative attachment with is on the other side of the bridge.  Walk toward the person and picture them walking toward you.  Forgive them for everything that has gone wrong, apologize for anything you may have done and wish them well.  Then, you walk away.   It seems simple, but it really helped me to understand the ways in which I have become attached to people unwittingly.
  • You can also try this visualization:  Get super relaxed before bed and scan your body for spots along the center line of your body that feel stuck.  Concentrate on these areas and see if there are people and situations that spring to mind when you focus on each area.  Do you feel the ties that bind you to these people in a negative fashion? If so, imagine you have a scissor and can cut these chords.  This is a beautiful symbolic way to imagine the negative ways that people relate to one another melting away, rather than wishing people away from you.  Before you sleep, wish everyone well in your life.  I always do this before bed… sending positive thoughts out into the world.
  • Clear the old stuff out of your space that is loaded with tainted energy from people in your past who are no longer in your life who have brought you grief.  A friend wore a necklace given to him by a toxic ex-girlfriend for years, and when he moved to make a change in his life is was stolen off his neck.  You know, its much more pleasant to give this stuff to charity or recycle it!
  • Spend lots of time in nature and spend time every day – or at least every week- by yourself and unplugged from electronics.  This is a great way to strengthen your personal energy.

Its important that I reiterate that this post is not about witchcraft or magic- its about your psychological well-being and energetic (qi) life force and vitality.  That said, when you cut chords of negative attachment and work on strengthening positive attachments what happens can feel magical. Enjoy your power!

Source: Dana of

Cutting The Cord: Wiping Out The Toxic Relationships In Your Life!

EnergeticCordWhile I stay away from the woo woo metaphysics to an enormous degree, I have experienced and have witnessed the phenemonon of psychic vampires many times.  We are all connected as human beings, and while out positive bonds help us to grow, sometimes a weird and unexplainable negative “cord” binds us to another in a negative fashion. You know, those people you can’t live with and can’t live without? Yep…read on!

How do you know if its time to cut the negative cord with someone (or multiple people)? Have you ever felt drained by a conversation? That is a minor version of vampires in action.  Have you been drained by a friend, love or family member, constantly?  Do you feel spun out or on a roller-coaster that seems to have many more lows than highs?  Do you get frequent headaches, massive anxiety attacks and crazy freak-outs?  This could be the result of high-level vampire behavior sucking your energy.  I don’t believe that this behavior is intentional most of the time.  I don’t believe that these people are bad and wrong, but if you don’t create healthy boundaries this behavior can become devastating to your life.

The worrisome part of this behavior? When you get involved with someone who “needs” you in this energetic way, it can feel like “deep love” or some other really powerful but dysfunctional bond and it sneaks up on you, the draining and life-sucking energy.  My friend explained it as a metaphor presented in a Pierce Brosnan movie.  Yep. It goes like this: “If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water he will spring out to save his life.  If you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly warm up the water to a boil, the frog will boil to death.”  This vampire behavior will slowly boil you like that second frog who got so used to suffering that he didn’t know it was that bad until it was too late.  Don’t be that frog!!! Source: Dana of

Read next weeks post for more about cutting the cord  . . .


Looking For a Few Good Couples

ID-10028219 (3)Are you a self employed couple? Franchise owner with your mate?
Are you married to your business?

I am really excited to announce my new start up- business coaching for couples who are entrepreneurs, franchise owners or self employed. If you fit this profile, and want to make more money while improving your relationship, I can help you. I’m looking for a few couples to help out with beta testing of my signature service. For more information and to apply, click here.

Make the most out of your entrepreneurial lifestyle without kissing your relationship goodbye!

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