by Jack Canfield

 When it comes to success, Canfield knows of what he speaks: he is co-creator, with Mark Victor Hansen, of the seemingly endless Chicken Soup for the Soul series. He presents 64 success principles that he claims “always work”-and draws on his own experience and that of others to illustrate them. Sixty-four principles may seem like a lot, but each receives a concise, easy-to-digest chapter that challenges readers to risk creating their lives exactly as they want them.

and habits. Further sections offMany of the principles are familiar-e.g., “Take 100% Responsibility for Your Life”-but Canfield has a nifty way of summarizing them (“Reject rejection”), and some are inventive: “Become an Inverse Paranoid” means see the world as out to help you instead of out to get you. He also offers specific techniques, such as positive-thinking exercises and visualizations. A section on transformation provides even more on how to overcome self-defeating beliefs, fears er principles on building good teams and better relationships at the office. Canfield acknowledges his predecessors in the success advice field, such as Napoleon Hill, and is also clear that while he gives information, motivation, and inspiration, readers must contribute their own hard work. Canfield’s energy and enthusiasm bounce off the page; many will flock to this inspiring (and very rich) teacher.

It is the time of year when many of us make New Year’s resolutions. The most popular include things like losing weight or getting fit, getting the finances in order, organizing our life, an effort to quit smoking and reduce or stop drinking and even try to have more fun. I even read that fifty-percent of Americans say their New Year’s resolution is to spend more time with family and friends.

But what about a New Year’s resolutions specifically for your marriage?

Half of marriages end in divorce. Research has found that only half of those who stay married actually carry the moniker of “happily married.”  So, this year, make a resolution to prioritize your marriage. Couples that invest in their marriages have more satisfying, pleasurable interactions with each other because great marriages do not just happen. It’s time we all make some New Year’s resolutions together and focus on our relationships.

When you think about resolutions, you can’t get any better than strengthening your marriage.

Step one is to sit down with your spouse, grab a pen and paper, a glass of wine or cup of tea-this exercise is supposed to be relaxed and enjoyable-and brainstorm together some New Year’s resolutions for your marriage.

1. Start with the positives. What do you both like and appreciate about your relationship? How can you enhance and highlight the positives?

Spending time alone together is essential for your relationship health. Commit to a monthly or weekly date night. If you have children, brainstorm about childcare. Besides hiring babysitters, you may be able to trade play dates or sleepovers with family or friends. Do not be complacent. Make a commitment or resolutions to have date nights in 2012. No more excuses!

If your romantic and passionate life used to be positive, but now has been neglected, pay more attention. Research by Barry McCarthy has found that if you are both happy enough with your sex life, it only accounts for 15 percent of marital satisfaction. However, if either of you is unhappy with your sex life, it can account for 85 percent of marital satisfaction. Commit to prioritizing your sex life. Set aside time for sex dates, read some fun sex self-help books together and commit to being more affectionate and passionate in 2012.

When you were first together as a dating couple, you likely had new, fun and interesting experiences together. Commit to trying some new activities, hobbies or outings together in the New Year.

2. Remove the barriers. What gets in the way of marital satisfaction?
How do you handle conflict? Remember that conflict is inevitable in a marriage. Do not avoid conflict, but find productive ways to deal with differences. Are either of you guilty of using criticism, contempt, stonewalling or defensiveness? If so, how about a New Year’s resolution to eliminate these hostile interactions that are predictive of divorce?

Is work or technology interfering with prioritizing time together?  If either of you has a hard time with the work/life balance or relies too heavily on technology, social media, TV or video games, you might take a look at this issue together. How about setting some mutual agreements? Amazingly, 70 percent of families are now reporting using phones, computers or watching TV during meal times together. How about a resolution to have technology-free meals and technology-free evenings during your weeknights?

Do either of you feel taken for granted or unappreciated? Do you know how your spouse prefers to be loved? Make a New Year’s resolution to show your spouse love in the way they want to be loved, rather than role model what you want!

3. Check in weekly or monthly with each other to see how you are doing with your relationship goals. What kind of marriage do you want to have? Are you being the people you want to be and having the relationship that you really want?

Make your marriage a priority. I believe the most important gift that you can give yourself and your children is the feeling of a healthy, loving marriage.

1. What have I accomplished this year? Be specific. Write it all down. Schedule some time to celebrate this!

2. What have I learned this year? What skills did you pick up? What emotional lessons?

3. What got in my way? This is where your work will be next year. Be honest if it was your own self that got in the way.

4. Who contributed to my successes? What can you do to recognize these members of your personal or professional team?

5. What mistakes did I make, and what did I learn from them? Writing these down is a good refresher for what not to do next year.

6. How was my work consistent with my values? What will you do with the inconsistencies?

7. Where did I not take responsibility? Sometimes this is easier to see with a little distance from the actual event.

8. How did my performance rate? Give yourself a letter grade or a 1-10 score.

9. What do I need to let go of? Doing so can help you move much more lightly into the New Year.

10. What was missing for me this year? How can you incorporate them into next year?

Doing these exercises can be a huge benefit to starting your year of on the right foot.

 We are now in Suite A2 in the North building, same address, same phone number.

Come and check out our new space-or better yet, join us for
one of our January groups.

by Harold Ivan Smith

Suffering the loss of a loved one at any time of the year is difficult, yet during the holidays or special occasions, those grieving experience a more intense sense of loss. The world is moving forward and celebrating life and all its blessings, yet for grievers, a darkness pervades the holiday. This book is an invitation to Christmas and its companion holidays of the season which compose a grueling triathlon which begins on Thanksgiving and continues unabated for forty-five days until the last of the bowl games on New Year’s Day. Through quotes, prayers, Scriptures and the words of the author, A Decembered Grief is designed to guide the reader on the journey to healing.

• Communication and planning- think of the entire holiday season, not just a couple of days. That will give you the opportunity to spread out the events so that all family members can participate. Consider that the days leading up to and after the holiday can be a part of the festivities.
• Communicate with all family members well before the holiday, to try and avoid any last minute changes. Families and children get along better when they know what to expect, as much as possible. Be flexible on time but strict on communications.
• Start your own traditions and rituals, blending some of the old with new. Have each child bring one idea that was meaningful to them, into the new family. Make time for all the children’s ideas to be a part of the new family tradition.
• Put aside your ill feelings towards your ex and model some good behavior for your own children- adhere to the custody agreements, help your children with picking out gifts for their other parents and decorations for the other house. This will help them feel more in control of the situation, and give them a sense of belonging.
• Do something different from the usual- try having appetizers and finger food instead of a full sit down dinner, open presents three days before Christmas, plan a craft or game instead of the usual movie. Being different will create a sense of fun and energy.

And if things seem to be falling apart, remember two things:

• Don’t sweat the small stuff- life is not perfect and the holiday won’t be either, so try and relax
• It will get easier with time- as the years pass you will have more traditions that you can count on.

Have a good Christmas!

Kelly Chicas 2011

The classic love story is two polar opposites who meet, fall madly in love and live happily ever after. We hear the relationship partner being described as the “perfect partner”, “soul mate”, or the “one I’ve been waiting for”. The newly formed couple is in the delicious space of discovery- every unique aspect of their partner’s personality is an enjoyment to be treasured and valued. The social animal meets the social wallflower and the chemistry explodes. Partners typically are attracted to their opposites in the following areas:

• The emotional person is attracted to the intelligent, logical person
• The clean, neat partner pairs up with a slob
• The spendthrift mates with the frugal saver

But after a few months, something else explodes too- our willingness to accept the special, unique qualities that are so different from our own. Why then do we begin to pick apart the very qualities that we were initially attracted to in our partners? Change becomes the name of the game- and we spend huge amounts of time and energy trying to change our once perfect mate. Concentrating on our partner’s differences, which we once saw as a positive, we now see as faults. And over time, when they are immune to our efforts, our expectations of trying to change them will create a permanent tension in the relationship.

So, a very curious pattern emerges. It begins slowly, but eventually it takes on the speed of a runaway train- blowing through the station and threatening the long term survival of the relationship. This is the pattern where you try to change your partner into someone who thinks, feels, and acts just like you. Instead of respecting and appreciating your partner’s differences, (like you did in the beginning of the relationship), you begin to see them in a negative light, just for being the way they are. Instead of keeping yourself open to what their differences have to offer you, you embark upon a silly path to change them into your mirror image. This path will only lead you to resentment and frustration, and is a sure way to inflict severe damage to the relationship. Much of our relationship stress comes from our conscious and unconscious efforts to change our partners. So, how can we stop this destructive pattern from continuing?

• First, be aware of your thoughts- are you seeing your partner differently than you use to and having a conversation with yourself about their “faults”? What is your internal voice saying about your partner? Internal conversations such as Good/Bad and Right/Wrong can be a common factor in our interpersonal problems.
• Realize what you are doing and make a conscious choice to stop. Replace those negative thoughts with new ones- remembering the positive attributes that your partner has and focus on those. Practice substituting thoughts or a thought stopping technique to help overcome the negative thoughts.
• Above all, know that you cannot change anyone else- only yourself. Spend the energy and time on changing yourself instead of your partner. Acceptance of this main idea leads to happier, healthier relationships with everyone.

Practicing these three steps will help you to realize that you don’t have to search for the perfect partner- they are right in front of you.

Kelly Chicas 2011

• More specialized relationship therapists
• Telephone and Skype counseling
• Added Anger & Co-Parenting Groups
• Published a book on preventing infidelity in your marriage
• Added online scheduling for your convenience

So, now It’s time for the annual AFC Client Satisfaction Survey- and we hope you will participate! Your input gives us valuable feedback so that we can improve our services even more. The biggest benefit is for you- we take your comments to heart and then put them into action. Please take just a minute of your time and complete the survey here.  We will publish the results next month, along with the AFC Annual Program Rollout. We have some special things in store for you for next year- stay tuned to the website for more info and have a great holiday season.